The holidays can feel stressful for many reasons, but it can be even more challenging when you are in a blended family or when co-parenting with an ex.
“Splitting the holidays between two people with different families and maybe really different traditions can cause some friction,” said Tasha Pace, single mother. Pace has a 50/50 custody agreement with her ex-husband, and together they are raising their two teenage daughters. “It’s a bit easier since we all generally get along, but the holiday can bring up a lot of emotions about how you wish things were or what you wanted for your kids,” she said.
Terry Gaspard, a licensed clinical social worker and an expert in child psychology, suggested some ways to help make the holidays less stressful for families impacted by divorce and separation.
“The most important thing to keep in mind during the holidays is that your child should come before anything else,” Gaspard said. “You have to consider how your child might feel if they have to, for example, visit multiple homes on Christmas day. That may be too much for some kids, and so even if your tradition is to open gifts on Christmas, it might make sense to switch some gatherings to Christmas Eve.”
Gaspard said that trying to adhere to family traditions can be a major source of stress for everyone. “Planning new ways to celebrate can be refreshing and it can alleviate certain pressures that come from social activities and time constraints. It’s okay to set different limits because your life actually is different.”
“The end of a marriage leads to the end of a lot of traditions when kids are involved,” said Broomfield family Lawyer Tanis McGonegal. “There are plenty of things around Colorado to do that will promote happiness and combat the pain of a changing family dynamic, and I tell clients to incorporate those things. Go ice skating or skiing. Find things to do.”
New holiday traditions can also help create positive memories for children impacted by family separation. The goal isn’t to keep up the illusion of sameness but to “acknowledge that things are different and make room for that to feel ok, Gaspard said.
Both McGonegal and Gaspard suggest that parents also remember to model positive and respectful behaviors toward their former spouse or partner.
“Children pick up on both verbal and non-verbal signs of anger so do your best to keep these feelings in check. By cooperating with your child’s other parent, you make things less stressful for your children and yourself,” Gaspard said
It’s also important to take care of yourself.
“Parenting plans mean that sometimes, I don’t have my kids on the actual holiday,” Pace said. “That can be hard. I make sure to have plans with friends or other family or arrange to do something special for myself on those days.”
McGonegal recommended seeking professional help should someone find themselves struggling.
“Getting the right assistance during a divorce or separation can help lessen depression, and there are a lot of great resources in Boulder County,” he added. “Around almost every corner in Colorado communities, there are people and solutions to lessen the pain so new singles enjoy this holiday season and begin the New Year with a fresh start.”
